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February 23, 2020
What drives your degree
February 23, 2020

Love or limerence

 

  1. Last month, I met a new girl in college and instantly fell in love with her. I seem to think of her all day long and don’t feel good if she misses college on any day. I know this could be infatuation but I want to have a deeper relationship with her. I approach her as a friend and she has no problem talking with me. However, I want to express my love for her, without upsetting her. Is it the right time to do so or should I wait? I am afraid someone else might spoil my chance to befriend her if I wait longer. Please help.

Confused lover

It may be the case that what you are feeling something called “limerence”. Limerence is when you feel obsessed with someone and feel a strong desire that they feel the same way about you. If you find yourself unable to focus on other parts of your life and constantly reading into her moves, this may be limerence. Many people go through this experience. The best way to find out if your feelings are more than infatuation is to get to know the person more. Assess whether they really are the type of person you would want to be in a relationship with or whether you might have a ‘perfect’ picture of them that isn’t true. When it comes to the right time to disclose your feelings, only you know whether you are ready to put yourself out there. Just make sure to mentally prepare yourself to accept any possible response.

 

  1. I am a 16 year old boy who loves my playstation and video games. I love to visit gaming centres with my friends to play games but my parents are totally against it. They feel I will get drawn into criminal activities. I am not aware how that is possible, though I know we have to exercise caution with internet related electronic games. How can I make them understand that they can trust me?

Vipin Joshi

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It can be hard to accommodate our parents’ concerns when we see things differently. In your case, you might benefit from shifting your perspective on the issue more than changing your parents’ understanding. You have stated that you would like them to trust you, which indicates that you believe their fear of you being drawn into criminal activities reflects a lack of trust in you. This does not have to be the case. Your parents might just be reflecting stories or experiences they have heard regarding video games and criminal activities. You won’t know for sure if you don’t ask them about it. As you say you’re not aware of how it is possible to be drawn into criminal acts, you should open the topic with your parents and try to see where this fear comes from. It may be that they don’t trust video games or people at gaming centres, and not that they don’t trust you. In such a case, you can decide how to deal with their fears in a more effective way such as playing games at home, instead. It’s always easier to come up with a solution when we’re clear on the problem.

 

  1. The past year has been very stressful for me as a housewife. Two of my family members were seriously ill, a close relative died, my husband had problems at work and we were financially in a very bad state. This created many problems for us and I have been feeling upset all the time. What should I do to be able to handle stress and cope with the challenges of life as they come, without breaking down?

Meena

 

You have had a very tough year and have come up against many challenges, which could leave any of us feeling stressed and upset. It’s very important that you be kind to yourself in these situations, and remind yourself that it’s perfectly fine to feel down. The last thing you need when dealing with difficulties in life is feeling guilty for breaking down. Forgive yourself for breaking down. Nonetheless, in order to manage your stress and bounce back better, you should come up with a list of coping tools that work for you. Some examples are exercise, journaling, making art, practising gratitude, volunteering, and deep breathing. Social support is also extremely important to help us successfully deal with the difficult times in life. If you don’t feel you have the friends or family to support you, you can seek this support from a mental health professional. Finally, when you feel like you’re breaking down, you can practise mindfulness by asking yourself  ‘Am I currently living in the past, present, or future?’ Bringing our thoughts back to the present – this moment right here, and not a moment before or after – can help us feel grounded no matter how chaotic our life is. Every struggle can then become an opportunity for you to remember to be more present in the ‘now’.

  1. I have been friendly with a guy in my college and we regularly go out with each other and remain within limits. We both trust each other and are respectful of each other’s privacy and space. Some of my college mates know about our relationship. They often try to spoil our friendship by telling me negative things about him.  One of my friends even said he is talking to other girls and going out with them, but I trust him and I’m not sure if I should believe her. Should I stay clear of such friends or have an open discussion with them?

Asma

When we are friendly with someone and our friends have negative feelings towards them, it can be a very conflicting situation. The important point to consider here is what your friends were like before you started going out with this guy.

Were they supportive? Were they trustworthy? Were they encouraging of your happiness? This will be a clear hint if you should believe what your friends are saying and stick with them. Yes, it might hurt to hear what they say, but consider why they would be saying it. Do they have any other reason to want to break up your friendship with this guy, other than caring for you? If not, then you should give serious consideration to their concerns. You wouldn’t want to ignore what they’re saying and regret it later on.

(Send your queries, marked ASK MANAL, to:theweekadvice@apexmedia.co.om)